Welcome to my garden of thought.

For a more enjoyable and easier experience, I recommend using the 'Night Light' setting on your device :)

I also recommend you F11 (if you're on desktop) to full screen so you get a more 'immersed' experience

Here is some music I recommend for your stay (apologies if it's loud):

The 'purpose' of this website:

I guess the main purpose of this started out as just being a fun little thing to keep my entertained for a few hours but actually I'm really happy it's turned into my little project I keep returning to and as for this places purpose, I hope that at some point other people will view this and either find it interesting or they relate to something on it that gets them to think just a little bit. That would make me happy.

I hope you get something positive out of your visit :)

This is just my personal website because I found the idea of the 'indie web' and having your own personal website to kind of combat against the sterility of modern social media to be a good thing for me to do.

A little bit about me:

What my dream life would be:

Not so realistic answer:

My dream life would be to get my games design qualification, make a super successful game, make just millions off of it, enough to live off of for the rest of my life, and then I would buy a VW surfer van, convert it so I could live in it, make it super hippy with like patchwork blankets, loads of plants, I would just have my laptop, if it's possible to get an internet connection somehow then that as well. As for me, I would either always walk around barefoot or at least only barefoot shoes or walking boots, I'd wear only patchwork baggy trousers, a patchwork jacket and whatever for a top idk. I would have a walking stick that I took everywhere with me and I'd maybe have a pet dog or something, some kinda like bernese mountain dog and I'd just travel around different western countries exploring forests and nature and occassionally getting high on mushrooms every now and then. Someone to take along with me would be nice as well so hopefully a partner that I would stay with for the rest of my life. Then after I'd get to old or bored of that, I would retire to Hawaii and live out the rest of my life there.

Fairly realistic answer:

I get a partner at uni, get my games design qualification, I start working at a games production company, we both eventually save up enough money to move into a house togehter and then just live out the rest of our life, maybe have kids either through pregnancy or adoption I really don't mind, and just live a good life without any real financial struggles.

I just rlly like looking at this gif, I don't know why but it's very calming mixed with the song 'Show Me Up' by Lil Tecca.



About me/Personal stuff

About my gayness:

Sexuality:

I am very pansexual and the best way that I feel I can explain to people what being Pansexual is like, is that gender to me is on the same level of like requirements as someones eye colour to someone who straight when choosing who they wish to date.

Gender(or lack of):

In terms of gender, the term that people would use to describe what my feeling of gender is, is agender so no gender at all which is true. I do not feel any kind of gender is attached to me, not even in like an "oh I feel like an alien" kinda way, but more in the sense that, I feel free and detached from any kind of gender that might make me act a certain way or something like that.

Thoughts around gayness

I am currently writing this at 2:30am my time (BST) and I'm just thinking about how in the past I started off as being just bi, then I was a trans girl with the name Lilly, then I was a non-binary femboy using the name Adrian (the preferred name that I still currently use) and then I reached what I'm at now being agender non-binary. But I was just thinking about how when I was just bi, I never ever really thought about my gender or felt one attached to me even back then. Now I don't know whether that's because I just had never thought about it because I was uneducated or whether i really didn't feel one attached to me then. But leading on from not being educated, I really wish know that I had, had a much more I guess diverse friend group, not just in terms of sexuality or gender but also race, class etc etc.. I think I would have become a much nicer person a whole lot sooner.

Somewhat following on from that, one of my more recent good friends actually made me realise that I was just purely non-binary and specifically agender rather than being a non-binary femboy. My thinking used to be that I would literally split the word "femboy" up into "fem" and "boy", one being feminine and one being masculine and that created a balance kinda of 'justifying' why I saw myself as non-binary. However, they made me realise that really I was only calling myself a femboy becausse I would sometimes wear a skirt and thigh highs which are very stereotypical of femboys to wear, but what I realised was is that they literally are just pieces of fabric, they have no gender to them and I was wearing them just because I liked them and how they looked on me which was quite a nice feeling because having the new term for people to use for me of 'agender' felt very freeing because now I could tell people that and they would much better understand truly how I felt about my own gender.

I need to go pee brb



The thoughts garden:

    1). The pinocchio paradox: Basically this paradox is just, what happens if pinocchio says "my nose is growing". This is a lie so his nose grows but then the statement becomes true so it stops growing and then statement is false again so growth and the question is, what would really happen if he said that statement. My theory is that pinocchio's nose would stop growing or shrinking and stay completely still, essentially breaking his curse of people always knowing whether he is lying or not through his nose. I think that once pinocchio found out about this, he would go rogue and abuse the fact that everyone still thinks that they can know when he is telling the truth and lying by his nose to manipulate everyone, causing chaos in his town since he can now truly lie without anyone knowing whilst everyone has full trust in him because they still believe that he has the curse of his nose. could make a good premise for a horror film if you ask me, could literally just call it 'The Pinocchio Paradox' or something like 'The Puppet That Could Lie' and maybe have it like some meatcanyon type shit.

    (just for the record, I ain't really fuckin with the vibes of this, Imma keep it here for authenticity sake but just so you know, I ain't fuckin with the vibe of it)


    2). This partly ties into my autism and what I would call 'autism ego' where to neurotypical people or just others in general but it makes sense to us in our heads but I feel like, when I think of what my mind looks like or what it looks like inside of my head, it's just like a deep space filled with stars and galaxies and planets and then I have my little floating bedroom with no walls or ceiling where I sit right in the middle of it, this sounds a little cringe, maybe even egotistical but I feel like I was a child born from the stars, maybe that's because my relationship with my parents isn't super close but yeah, I feel like a cluster of stars inside of a body, not to the point of like a schizophrenic person is fully convinced they are the next coming of jesus or anything like that, but I just kinda feel that way about myself, like it's some form of motivation to keep trying to be a better person and help as many people as much as I can and to the best of my ability. Maybe that also ties into my "agender'ness" I'm not sure but that's okay.



    3). As I am typing this at 1:41AM on the 14th of May it has been 10 days since I made this page and I'm actually so surprised how many individual people have at least visited this site and hopefully read some of the things on it. I also wanted to write this because recently I've changed from saying "sleep well" to "dream well". I prefer dream well because sleeping is boring and guaranteed, dreaming is also guaranteed but good dreaming is when you remember a dream that was positive and that isn't guaranteed, also nightmares exist which are never nice to have so I like to wish people "dream well" because I don't see a point in wishing someone a good sleep when sleep is guaranteed, I do acknowledge that you can have good and bad quality sleep but then if you're dreaming that means you're having good quality sleep as it is so it is already implied that I am wishing you a night of quality sleep because you'll be dreaming. Dreaming is the part that could do with some wishful thinking because there is not a lot of control we can have over it.



    4). It is currently 1:21AM as I'm typin this out and I am a litt thatle under the influence lmfao, but I just to come on here and write a lil bit, first about the fact that today (16/05/25), I have officially left my highschool that I had been with for 7 years, I only have 4 exams to go into school for and then I am done. I am crazy excited for the summer I can just tell It's going to be so fire and that kinda leads onto the other thing I wanted to talk about and that, don't live for stuff like money or material shit, live for and chase better and better vibes in life, search for those having fun with your friends in a park at 10pm at night with the moon shining bright. Search for those sunrises and sunsets either listening to the perfect music by yourself or with a partner or friends. Those memories are the fckin things you're gonna live with for the rest of your life so don't ever waste an opportunity to make new ones. I love you all even tho there is way more of you than I realised that are complete strangers but regardless, I love you. (I also typed this listening to Cocaine Sunday by Eyedress, it is FITTING the vibe rn)



    5). I recently discovered something that has brought me a lot of joy and I found it from TikTok, it's more a combination of music and thought, can be with pictures of video as well but, it was a TikTok that had the Minecraft disc 'Wait' playing with adventure time clips and it just brought back such a nostalgic feeling I felt like I hadn't felt in years and it was so nice, the kind of 'liminal spaes' of the adventure time art work, the calmness of it, overall it was really nice so I've added the music to an audio player for you below along with some adventure time pictures and gifs to help give you an idea of the vibe. I'll also include the TikTok itself if you want to watch the original :)

    The Original TikTok



    6). "It's my mental interruption of how to see the two sides of the coin at the same time as seeing it as one whole coin" - Ruby. My best online friend Ruby said this and I'm still thinking about what it really means so I will keep you updated until I find how to translate my interpretation of what it means into words.



    7).Currently just got back from a very good end to an already special day, this morning (22/05/25) I finished my second and last A level English Literature paper which was a big thing for me because that was my weakest subject blah blah blah, anyway. I wanted to write a little bit about the idea of 'the healing properties of music'. Now I personally have two interpretations of what this means. My first interpretation is that due to my tinnitus, listening to music is literally the thing that temporarily 'heals' and helps me with it so in that sense music literally does have in some sense 'healing properties'. The other interpretation that I have is a lot more psychological and tied to emotions, where music for me can really alter my mood and thankfully I have a wide enough range of genres that I like to listen to that 99% of the time I always have songs that I know will have a positive effect on my mood and emotional state and also elevate good moods. So in that sense it also heals me mentally and emotionally. Also just a side tangent, recently as I've been trying to become more and more opend minded, I can actually feel a difference in terms of like my 'energy' and psychological state when my hands are open vs when they are closed. Sometimes I have to like remind myself to keep my hands open so that like "the energy can kinda pour off of me in an evenly distributed way" which sounds insanely hippy but that's the only way I can like describe the feeling.



    8). I just found out about an Elephant called Suda that can paint and it reminded me of my love for elephants with them being my favourite animals. They are just so unbelievably like us and are incredibly relatable for humans because each elephant has it's own personality just like us. Kind of also reminds me of how idk if it's an autism thing but I think that animals can like fckin sense that I'm autistic cause they always act different around me, calmer and more 'caring' like they can sense that I'm more kinda sensitive to stimulants and I can find it kind of startling if they are acting in an unpredictable way. I really like most animals common pets and would love to have a pet bird like a parrot or a budgie, I think that those kind of birds are just like the cutest things ever and I don't really know why, they are just so adorable and smart. That's one of my dream pets. The other I think would have to be a Bernese Mountain dog, I think they are really cute gentle giants a little like me I guess but that sounds a little cringe in my head when reading it. Overall, elephants are my favourite animals and I really think that most animals can sense my autism. I mean some dogs can smell Parkinson's so why the hell not?

    is so cute!


    9). It is currently 4:13am as I'm typing this and I just wanted to put in that as I was doing a little bit of breathing exercise/meditation that I remembered my first kinda like 'hippie' or like 'spiritual' experience and that was in Year 9 at school, it was mental health kinda awareness day so we had form time for the whole day and did a bunch of activities and it was period 5 for the last 20 minutes of the day we did some meditating where we put our heads down and some breathing exercises and I remember feeling oddly calm and my brain was a lot quiter afterwards and it was quite a nice feeling. Wonder how my life would be different if I had realised the significance of the effect it had on me back then. Quite a nice thought though.








    Here are some images I really like and I think fit me the best(my own little Pinterest :3):

    Image 1 Image 2 Image 3 Image 4 Image 5 Image 6 Image 7 Image 8 Image 9 Image 10 Image 11 Image 12 Image 13 Image 14 Image 15 Image 16 Image 17 Image 18 Image 19 Image 20 Image 21 Image 22 Image 23 Image 24 Image 25 Image 26 Image 27 Image 28 Image 29 Image 30 Image 31 Image 32 Image 33








    So I don't forget:

    Here's how you can make bold and italic text.

(I love these people in particular)